Sometimes I don’t believe you let me walk around
Above ground, with the things I’ve seen
You talk about learning to love with your pants on
But every time you come around you dance on
The table, and let your feelings fall to the earth
That’s what that sound was, it’s somebody’s birthday

And they signed me up for the witness protection program
And I became a blind guy in a titty bar
And it was so successful that they
Ran my ass for president and
Got my ass elected and at
My inauguration, I stood there naked
With a hand on their bible and I swore to uphold
My duties and my conscience to the
Best of my ability as a blind guy in a titty bar
Tin cup and white cane, the
Strippers as my cabinet
Oh, I am a witness

And I heard that Kennedy got killed
‘cause he was about to come clean about the aliens
I heard that the Indians got killed
‘cause they were about to introduce drive-through fast food
I head that all of the Jews got killed
so that the museums would have something for the future
I head that the Hutus killed all the Tutsis
‘cause otherwise they’d never see Jesus and his mother
Oh, I am a witness

They offered me tickets to go to the moon
One pair, one way, don’t come back soon
They offered me to pack up my belongings for free
Before too long they’d get them to me
Care of my guide on the dark side of the moon
Who’d teach me the language and feed me with a spoon
They all came to say goodbye, one after the other
My homicidal sister and my suicide brother
The little pink children who advertise the weather
They dug up my aunt and they went down on my mother
Freed my balloon with strings of leather
Blew me away like you blow away a feather
Oh, I am a witness

So here I sit on the balcony
Freeway far as the eye can see
I got my head packed underneath my hood
I got the darkest dark sunglasses that I could
Covered up my eyes and I covered up my ears
The ballgame’s on and I got a cold beer
I got photographs but don’t worry, isn’t this
A beautiful night just go about your business
Oh, I am a witness

(lyrics: Dan Bern)