When Columbus returned from the New World to Spain
He sat around drunk, belching in the rain
Queen Isabella was worried about him
She wished he’d join a club or something
But Columbus had his memories
And he found everybody kind of boring
When Columbus returned from the New World to Spain
He sat around drunk, belching in the rain

Napoleon spent his final days
On an island chasing dragonflies
He told everybody who would listen
All about the icicles in Moscow
Once Columbus visited Napoleon
And showed him slides of Los Angeles
Napoleon spent his final days
On an island chasing dragonflies

When you conquer the world
There’s nothing left to do
‘Cept defeat the reflection in the mirror
With a bottle and a tear and a flag unfurled
When you’ve already conquered the world

Neil Armstrong sits in a cave in Mexico
Blowing bubbles through a water pipe
Once he had his footprints on the moon
Before anybody else did
He looked at the earth where his mother and his father were
It looked like a comical grapefruit
Neil Armstrong sits in a cave in Mexico
Blowing bubbles through a plastic water pipe

When you conquer the world
There’s nothing left to do
‘Cept defeat the reflection in the mirror
With a bottle and a tear and a flag unfurled
When you’ve already conquered the world

When Columbus returned from the New World to Spain
He sat around drunk, belching in the rain

(lyrics: Dan Bern)