The Fifth Beatle

I had a dream
That instead of the Beatles breaking up
Yoko Ono became Beatle number five
They made records as the lads from Liverpool
And the chick from Chunichi
And John stayed alive
Yoko started writing songs with Paul
They had better melodies than the ones with John on Double Fantasy
The best one of all was one that Yoko wrote with George
That Ringo sang
Called Bonsai Tree

“Bonsai for you
“And a bonsai tree for me……
“Hey, bonsai tree—Bonsai tree!”

In 1982,
John took a leave of absence from the Beatles
and Elvis Costello joined the band
He wrote one with George and Yoko
that went

“Alison, cut her hand—“
“While my guitar gently creeps—“
“Through a little girl’s room of electrified plastic…”

Ringo needed a break
And they brought in Dave Grohl to drum
And he brought along his friend, Kurt Cobain
And he started writing with Paul:

“I am bleeding inside, I am bleeding inside, I am bleeding inside,”
“And what’s wrong with that, I’d like to know, so let’s bleed inside AGAIN”

Dylan was a Beatle for a while
He wrote one with John that went:
“Imagine there’s no heaven”
“I wonder if you are able to”
“No hell below us”
“Above us only sky with dark clouds, threatening RAIN”

Springsteen was a Beatle for 3 days
He brought one in that went,
“Screen door slams; Mary’s dress waves”
And John said, “That’s a great start, what if it went,
“The screen door went slammy-whammy and she wore lollipop shoes
“And jumped into the street across the pool”
And he said, “Actually it goes like this,
“Screen door slams, Mary’s dress waves”
And John said “You think you’re the Boss?
“You’re not the Boss of me, get your own fuckin band”

Neil Young wanted to be a Beatle
They said “you’ll have to audition”
He sang “Saw the needle and the damage done
“Saw the needle take another one”
And Ringo said “That could be one for me—
“I saw the needle and the damage done,
“Damage done, damage done”
And George said, “Have you ever thought about
“Playing it on the oud?”
And Neil said “I don’t think I want to be a Beatle after all…”

George took a break
Jimi Hendrix came aboard
And when George came back
Jimi stayed on
They tour a little bit every year
Ther rest of the time you can see ‘em
At the fabulous Yellow Submarine
Hotel and Casino
Loosest slots in Nevada
Ladies and gentleman–the Beatles
John, Paul and George
Yoko and Ringo
Elvis Costello
Sinead O’Conner
Kurt Cobain
Jimi Hendrix–
and me

(lyrics: Dan Bern)