Talkin’ Alien Abduction Blues

I don’t know what made me go out that night
At that hour I’d have normally been in bed
But I found myself lookin’ up at the sky
At a very bright light straight overhead
It flashed green
Then Red
Santa Claus colors

I stood there frozen in that light
Then I started hearin’ this kind of whir
The lights got louder and the noise got brighter
And I felt a sudden chill
It was cold
I shouldn’t have gone out without a coat
My mom was right again

Then this big old spaceship floated down
And hovered 3 feet above the Earth
Never been so scared in all my life
Could’ve given spontaneous birth
If I was a woman
And pregnant

Then these two little guys about 4 feet tallJumped off that space age Greyhound bus
They grabbed me by the arms and said
“Start walking, Dan. You’re coming with us”
They didn’t actually speak, but I understood ’em

They strapped me down to this metal crate
Took out the 35-foot long hose
They said “Don’t worry, this won’t hurt”
Then they shoved that sucker up my nose
All the way up
I knew my nose way long, but this was a suprise

They examined me from head to toe
Stuck prods in every orifice
This cold gray box came and gave me a kiss
Then extracted a coupld of quarts of piss
I felt dehydrated

Then they waved this wand around my head
Said, “Now we’re reading your thoughts, you see
You got an awful lot of songs in there
Though it seems they’re all in the key of G”
I said “What about Marilyn? That’s in D”
They said “D flat, actually”
I said, “Yeah, because I tune it down a half step
What about Hannibal?”
They said “What about Hannibal?”
I said “Well, technically, it’s in G
But it’s really a dropped D tuning capo’d up”
They said “How come you don’t play the harmonica more?”
I said “How come I’m in a space ship
Talking to aliens about my act?”
They said, “We’d rather talk physics
But you’re illiterate there”
Couldn’t argue

They dropped me somewhere in Brazil
Took a month to get back to the USA
When I told my friends what I’d been through
No one believe what I had to say
That sucked
It’s to be expected, though
Most people think Hannibal’s in straight tuning

Well, my life’s back to normal now
I do the things I always do
‘Cept once a week I meet with 12
Other folks who’ve been abducted too
I tell my story
They tell theirs
I don’t believe them, though

(lyrics: Dan Bern)