Shakespeare’s got a mail order Uzi
Shakespeare’s got a gun, he’s gonna use it
Shakespeare’s got a prostitute named Suzy
Shakespeare’s got a gun he’s gonna use it
It seems some monkey, just outside of Pittsburgh
Finally typed out Hamlet, typed out Hamlet, word for word
Shakespeare’s pissed off, Shakespeare’s got an Uzi
Shakespeare’s got a gun, he’s gonna use it

Shakespeare’s got a Fender Stratocaster
He’s got the sucker cranked, he’s going to blast ‘er
Led Zeppelin was never any faster
Shakespeare’s got a Fender Stratocaster
He’s dressed in black he’s got a Marshall Stack
He dances with baboons who jump up on his back
Love’s Labour’s Lost, that‘s in the past
Shakespeare’s got a Fender Stratocaster

Shakespeare’s got no use for thick black glasses
Who sit and dissect tragedies in college English classes
Shakespeare’s sick of words, Shakespeare’s sick of letters
Shakespeare watches videos, the dirtier the better

Shakespeare’s got a liquor store in Anaheim
Shakespeare drinks tequila out of
Shakespeare combs his hair with a soup spoon
Shakespeare’s got a liquor store in Anaheim
He sells magazines, he eats cigarettes
He never says a word, he sleeps in a Corvette
Shakespeare’s pissed off, Shakespeare’s got an Uzi
Shakespeare’s got a guitar, says he’s gonna use it
Shakespeare’s got a gun in a liquor store in Anaheim
Shakespeare’s got a gun he’s gonna use it

(lyrics: Dan Bern)