I’ll take on anyone in this room
Who says that I don’t matter
I’ll take on anyone in this room
Who says that you don’t matter
I’ll take on anyone in this room
Who’s trying to hurt me
I’ll take on anyone in this room
Who’s trying to hurt you
I’ll hang out with anybody in this room
Who wants to talk about Dead Man
I’ll hang out with anybody in this room
Who knows how to eat fire
I’ll hang out with anybody in this room
Who can quiz me on baseball
I’ll hang out with anybody in this room
Who reads books about chess
I’ll kiss anyone in this room
Who can guess my imaginary friend’s name
I’ll kiss anyone in this room
Who can touch me better than I can
I’ll kiss anyone in this room
Who can tell me my grandfather’s middle name
I am Dan son of Yahuda
And there’s your first clue
I’ll buy anyone in this room a weekend for two in the Bahamas
If you can beat my ass in slow motion ice darts
I’ll buy anyone in this room a weekend for two in the Bahamas
If you demonstrate greater proficiency than me in backwards Avagab spelling on roller blades
I’ll sink my teeth into your neck
If you can satisfy me just by touching my calf
I’ll make your gums bleed with my fingernails
If you can convince me that the world is made of blue mustard from another galaxy
I’ll give you an enema soaked in olive oil and pear juice
If you’ll read Ted the Cow out loud to your children every night for a month
I’ll wrestle you to the ground and pin you
If you say mongoose mongoose mongoose real fast when I’m in earshot
I’ll paint your body with oil
If you make me want to paint your body with oil
I’ll buy you a cat and help name it
And stick around until it gets strong if it feels like the thing to do
Ahh
Ahh
I’ll make you breakfast in bed and an empty canvas for you to paint on and flowers all week if
You remind me I’m King of the World
I’ll lick the excess sand from your toes
If you find me an island to live on and help me open up a massage practice
I’ll go down on you every Sunday afternoon at 3:15
If you can get me a tennis game with John McEnore, a game of chess with Bobby Fischer
A cup of coffee with JD Salinger, a blow job from Monica Lewinksy, a game of catch with Willie Mays
Three days in the desert with Bob Dylan and Terence McKenna, or at least some good Vietnamese noodles
I gotta go now, just ‘cause I gotta go now
(lyrics: Dan Bern)