Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare
And so the poor dog had none

That’s the way you thought it went
But someone evidently lied
‘Cause the cupboard wasn’t bare
I was hiding there inside

I dragged Mother Hubbard in
Stuffed a gag into her mouth
Tied the gag around her chin
Grabbed the dog and headed south
To a graveyard dark and cold
Not that far from Mexico
We dug up the bones of old
Mother Hubbard’s husband Joe…
Joe Hubbard….

The dog tore at the bones
And I put them in a case
And together we drove back
Up to Mother Hubbard’s place
I found the poor old maid
Said you shouldn’t tease your pup
You should never promise food
If you cannot back it up

I said not only are you dense
But you also are a hag
She spoke not in her defense
‘Cause she still was bound and gagged
I held up one of the bones
I said dogs like bones a lot
Incidentally, this is Joe’s–
And she died right on the spot

That was the end of Mother Hubbard
To my great sadistic pleasure
So I crawled back in my cupboard
As the dog devoured his treasure;
The coroner came in
And he dragged away Ma Hubbard
While I sat in total darkness
In my tiny little cupboard
And now I sit and wait
For the next old foolish dame
To decide to feed her little pet
While I play my little game

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cupboard
To fetch her poor bird some grain
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare
So I beat her on the noggin with a cane

Old Mother Habinet
Went to her cabinet
To fetch her poor cow some cud
But when she got there
The cabinet was bare
So I drank seven ounces of her blood

Old Mother Hoset
Went to her closet
To fetch her poor cat some lox
But when she got there
The closet was bare
So I sent her to Wisconsin in a box

Old Mother Hidge
Went to her fridge
Can you believe her gall
Before she got there
I threw her down the stair
Now she lies bleeding in the hall–

And I hope she’s an example to you all!

(lyrics: Dan Bern)