Like most American men
I’m a little messed up about sex
Does size really matter
Should I be checking out other guys
But if I do, does it mean I’m gay
Like when I went to Italy
And when to see the statue of David
Maybe I stared at it too long

And what about the size of breasts
Does size matter there
Do I really like a lot of silicone
Over and above a little milk
And while on the subject of sex
What do I think about Viagra
I mean, even though I seem to function really well there
Is it something that I ought to try
If everybody else is going to take it
Do I need to take it just to stay competitive
Like when everyone suddenly switched
To a tennis racket with a really big head
And suddenly the great Bjorn Borg
Wasn’t only beatable but wasn’t much better
Than most American men
Than most American men

Like most American men
I think about sports a lot
It’s the one time I can get close
To a lot of really good friends of mine
We talk and laugh and slap hands
And say stuff like “Sammy you the man, I love you!”
And we pore over scores and statistics
Like medieval biblical scholars
And I can go into a bar
And start watching some kind of game
And I can start talking to a black guy
Or a Mexican or a Japanese
And we’re laughing and screaming and crying
All ‘cause of Michael Jordan
Cause I wish I could fly
Like most American men
Like most American men

Like most American men
I don’t know what to do about Japan
Or what to do with Somalia
Or where Somalia is
Or for that matter where is Rhode Island
My morals are mostly determined
By whomever I’m sleeping with
Like most American men
Like most American men

Like most American men
I don’t know how much money is enough
Sometimes I think I got enough
Other times I think enough
Is just a little bit more than I got
And if I had a little more dough
Maybe I’d care more about the world
‘cause I’d have a bigger stake in the game
Maybe I’d think about politics
If I really had something to protect
And if I had a little more dough
I’d do better with the girls
I’d take em out and treat them real nice
And I’d look really good when I do
And you know I’d travel in style
And I’d take them to my really fine pad (shag wagon)
With a fridge and a really big bed
And we’d lie there smoking cigarettes
Eating candy and watching Jerry Springer (who wants to marry a fucking idiot)
And I don’t think it’s too much to ask
To get what I think I deserve,
Like most American men
Like most American men

Like most American men
I’d change my whole life if I could
I’d live in a really big house
And I’d travel with really fast crowd
Hang around really big women
Play tennis with Drew Barrymore
Know a lot of party tricks
Light matches on my boot
And if I could change everything
Probably within 2 months
My life would start to look
A whole lot like it does now
Kind of funny, kind of mundance
Like most American men
Like most American men

(lyrics: Dan Bern)