Love, War and a Baseball Game

I decided to go to the ballgame today
So I jump in the car and get on the freeway
But the night’s real hot and the traffic slow
Catch the first three innings on the radio
Miss five grand slams, well ain’t that a shame
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game

Comin’ out to the game was such a fine thing to do
That 50,000 other people thought so too
So I find me a scalper, who can’t be beat
Twenty bucks for a front row gold box seat
But the usher says sorry, that’s for yesterday’s game
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game

So I bribe my way in, and I’m glad I’ve been patient
I can almost see the field, with some imagination
I drove thru the south side after dark
For a view of the roof of Comiskey Park
The guy next to me thought he caught me lookin’ at his dame
So he punched me—that’s fair, at the baseball game

A hot dog, some peanuts and a beer or two
The most balanced meal I ever knew
Then some guys says “all right, lemme hear ya now!”
And everyone stretches, knockin’ over my chow
I almost get thrown out for spillin’ beer on a Frain (that’s the usher)
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game

Well by the time I’m able to turn my attention
To the players on the field, whom I’ve hardly mentioned
I ask my neighbor what’s happened, I missed the last play
He turns to me and says rain delay
I wait four hours just to hear the umpire say
That’s it, go home, no more baseball game

Took me five hours getting the old car back home
Without gas, but with newly dented chrome
Jump in bed, and I turn out the light
Dream of scalpers and bad bleacher seats all night
I needed plenty of rest, so I could take the same
Trip the very next night, to the baseball game

See you can spill my beer, or call me dumb
Give me the worst seat in the stadium
Hit me on the head with a batted ball
But don’t take away my Bill Buckner doll
Call me crazy take down my name
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game

(lyrics: Dan Bern)