Dan Bern’s Christmas Song

Santa Claus said Eureka
I got the greatest idea
He called his elves in his office
Said it’s time to branch out a little
This year we’ll give presents
Not only to the Christians
We’ll give ’em to the Muslims, to the Hindus and the Jews
I’ve pretty much decided that this is what we’re gonna do
But I’d like to get some feedback
Hear what you guys think too

Eddie slowly got up
For an elf he was pretty darn big
He looked at Santa
He started talking
He said,
Who you think you are, Jesus
Who you think you are, Moses
Do you think you’re Elijah
Or the prophet Mohammed
I knew Joan of Arc,
You’re no Joan of Arc
You’re as fat as the Buddha
But the resemblance stops there
You’re no Mother Theresa
You’re not even Bob Geldof
During Hands Across America,
You were nowhere to be seen
Let’s get this straight, mister
You’re an employee
You’re a delivery boy,
Like a Domino’s pizza guy
We’re the ones who make the stuff
You just haul it around
We work all year long
You put in one damn day
So no more bright ideas
It ain’t gonna happen
We’ve got our union
We’d never go for it
Not in a recession
When the rest of the industry
Is looking at cutbacks
Is facing retrenchment
In fact, we were thinking
Of taking the hard line,
Crossing Catholics off the list
Crossing off the Lutherans
Let the Episcopalians
Buy toys for their own kids
Forget the Mormons
They’ve got ten wives, they don’t need toys
We can have a small party, a holiday get-together
Invite a couple Methodists, pour some Gallo burgundy
Christmas don’t have to be a big deal
We can play a little Twister
Invite some Presbyterians
I tell you, people ain’t even gonna notice

And Santa said,
Hold it!
What the hell is goin’ on here?
I may not be Jesus
I may not even be Elvis
I didn’t do schtick on Comic Relief
I didn’t sing on We Are the World
But goddamit, I’m Santa Claus
I am still Santa Claus
And until I am notified
That there’s some OTHER Santa Claus
We’ll give toys to the Catholics
We’ll give toys to the Lutherans
We’ll give ’em to the Seventh Day Adventists
We’ll give ’em to the Jehovah’s Witnesses
We’ll give ’em to the Mormons
We’ll even give ’em to the Quakers
Okay, forget the Hindus,
Okay, forget the Jews,
I don’t have their sizes
I don’t even know what they like
Besides, they don’t even believe in me
That sorta yanks my chain a little
Let them fight the holiday crowds
Let them go to Toys R Us
I don’t know where Jesus gets off
With this golden rule bit
That’s easy for him to say
He never had to haul around a big bag of junk
Don’t get me started
I could tell you stuff you wouldn’t believe
You think Moses was a pretty good guy
You just go on and think that, okay?
Look, I’m Santa Claus, I know my place
I’ll be jolly when I’m in your sight
I’ll say Merry Christmas to All
And to All a Good Night
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
And to all a good night….

And if you see Rudolph
I did not say won’t you guide my sleigh tonight
I said won’t you change the hay tonight
The little bugger took off with my sleigh
It was my best sleigh
And I haven’t seen him since
Kindly tell him get his butt back here
If he knows what’s good for him

(lyrics: Dan Bern)

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