The Beagle Song

My oldest dearest friend
Would turn into a lout
Whenever he’d see a loaf of bread
Stuffed down a beagle’s mouth

You’d figure you’d be safe
The odds are not that big
On a loaf of bread showing up just when
A dog feels like a pig….

The other day at dinner
It’s quiet as a mouse
My friend and I were eating at
My great grandparent’s house

My great grandpa was slobbering
On his lemon rind
But he slobbered all the time
So this time no one seemed to mind

And always, this ominous
Something in the air

My great grandmother asked my friend
Some questions about his life
He told a charming story
All about his German wife

He wasn’t really married
And he’d never met a Kraut
But if a conversations going well
Who cares what it s about

And always, this ominous
Something in the air

Then suddenly this clattering
And scratching at the door
When a small white dog with floppy ears
Strode across the floor

It wore a shiny collar
It looked quite simply regal
I asked what kind of dog it was:
“That’s our neighbour’s beagle!”

I would have been more worried
‘Cept we hadn’t eaten bread
“Bread clogs up my arteries,”
My great grandfather said

My great grandmother cried
“This dog is hungry, feed him rice,”
Great grandpa said, “Let’s feed it bread;” I said
“I hope it’s sliced!”

Great grandpa got this gleam in his eye
And reached beneath his coat
Took a 4-foot long French bread and stuffed it
Down the beagles throat…

And all around, this ominous
Something in the air…

My great grandmother offered my best friend
Some orange juice
“Up your ass!” he shouted
And then all hell broke loose

He threw the old folks in the fridge
Made sure the fridge was locked
He shouted “Die, you bastards!”
(My relatives were shocked)

The things my friend did later on
Were not exactly pretty
He trashed my great grandparent’s house,
Then he trashed New York City

Next time listen when I tell you ‘bout
That ominous something in the air…

The moral of this story
Is “Keep your beagle fed
“And check the pockets of your great-
“Grandfather’s coat for bread!”

(lyrics: Dan Bern)

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